I can talk now, and I can write about it! From September to December last year, I experienced what many people have experienced when told that you may have Cancer.
I want to share part of my journey, dealing with uncertainty, waiting days and weeks, scans, biopsy, and to see the hand of the Lord on all this. I realise people I know are going through this, and I hope you are encouraged.
This is part of my journal I wrote on the twenty-seventh of November.
Since March last year have not been feeling well; visits to the doctor were almost monthly. Lots of antibiotics and painkillers.
I was sent to get an MRI scan of my lower back, and the consultant saw no issues there. However, I was referred to the Urologist to look at my prostrate. My PSA levels on my blood are high, and he ordered another MRI for the beginning of September.
I saw the letter from the Health Trust, and I knew it was from the consultant. I was waiting for this letter to arrive with the outcome of the MRI scan of my prostate. I opened late in the evening. I was tired after being at the General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church.
My heart sank, and I sat down with so many mixed feelings as I read that I needed to have a biopsy. I was not confused, nor was I sad and not even scared. Instead, my heart sank because I was not expecting this news. I minister to people with cancer, and I have met many of them; it is always close by, but never that close as this letter suggests.
I had my biopsy on the third of November three weeks ago, and I still have another three weeks for the results to come and see where we go from here.
The biopsy was so painful. Even though I prepared for the pain, it was like being ripped from the inside.
The consultant told me that I was lucky. I have 40% that it is cancer, and he took good prostate samples to the lab. I know that it is the most common cancer among men in the UK, one in five men have it.
Here, the now is challenging, and I am not concerned about the future. I cannot do anything about it. It is not in my hands.
The day to day is hard, and I feel discomfort and at night times is worst, my sleep is cut short because of the pain. The pain is not as bad, but it is constant.
So, what is the Lord saying to me? Nothing that he has not said before, which is a great comfort. He has reminded me to trust and to go deeper with him. What has changed is that I can see the length of my days being cut short, but maybe not! I know that I want to make the most of the gift of life that God has given me.
Am I scared of dying? I have asked this question a lot during these months, and honestly, I am not. Death in Christ is gain, and I do believe that.
I need to leave all the “what-ifs” to the Lord. I can’t be bothered to entertain them and carry them with me. Maybe because of the pain and the uncertainty, I am more emotional, grumpy, so please forgive me.
Today, I read these words “And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee.” (2 Corinthians 1:21–22 ESV)
These are great words; I am so encouraged. I stand firm because it is his will and not mine. I am anointed because it is his will and not mine. I am his, his seal of approval is on me, and his Spirit is within me forever. That is why death is insignificant compared to the Glory that awaits us all.
Thank you, Lord!
Let me come close to you! – Come close to me!
The let anointing fall more and more!